Perpendicular and Parallel (People)

The past couple of weeks have been super duper full of newness, in situations especially, and some confusion. Some frustration. Peace. Joy.
I feel like I'm in a place where if I tried to retrace my steps I would find no bridge. I just can't go back to the way things were. But I can pull away if I get the word. I feel like I'm doing what God wants me to do, though not well. Far from perfectly. It's so good to realize that. So good. I am not perfect. But I want to do things His way.
And since I feel like I'm actually waging war, pressing, pushing, fighting, I think that in these kinda situations and places-growth. I am trying to be careful, to gaurd my heart. I had a really good conversation about that a couple days ago. I need to be aware of what is going on in my own heart. Be aware of where I am leaning, be aware of hinderances, be aware of distractions, i believe this. I want a pure heart. And clean hands, lips. I want to be innocent, but I want to be wise. I don't wanna to just give into things because it's more comfortable than fighting.
I am the Lord's. No matter where I go, I am the Lord's. No matter the mistakes, I am His. I choose Him. I want to be sealed. The end. It is decided. I am His, He is mine, and that settles it. Forever. Completely.

Now, time for a silly song:

"I am a street, you are a street
we're parallel lines- we never meet,
just sit side by side, wondering why.
I think I know..."

...The love of God is stronger than the power of death!

I get to spend all of my life & FOREVER WITH YOU! WOOHOO!!! IT'S GOOD. :)

You know that word that's inbetween concur and concord grapes? I don't know how to spell it. It's meaning is similar to ruined. Or the oppisite of win.

Well, trying to fight all these battles alone doesn't work one bit and I realize how much I need Him. I want to waste my life on Him & I'm excited about it. I NEED HIM SO MUCH.

I heard this wonderfulness the other day (heather bethune):

“I…have resolved to make the love of God the end of all my actions. I have been well satisfied with this single motive. I am pleased when I can take a straw from the ground simply for the love of God, seeking Him and nothing else – not even seeking His gifts.” – Brother Lawrence, Practicing His Presence.

" Even if we don’t love what we do, we love who we are doing it for."

say whaaat??


School is hard. hard like moving boulders. I think that God is DETERMINED(don't get this confused with 'madly fighting') to get me closer and closer to a place of peace in who I am & I want to perservere for him, give him every ounce of everything I've got and let him melt me. Yeah, who I am in Him, it's not what I am labled at, pushed to be, told to become ect. He likes me. He likes me. He loves me!
I don't want to be a gross mess of satisfaction of the flesh. (oh! rhyming skills!:)
It's just not easy- not living for man. I wanna be secure where I am not. I wanna be full where I am not.
And all of this has made become more stiff, a little more sturdy. and I'm starting to say things like "cha, aye you, and...as mess!"
& I WANT TO BE ROOTED AND GROUNDED IN LOVE!
I'm realizing the depression there that people feel is not mine. I don't need to take it. It's in the air, there is a strong sent of hopelessness, deadness.

you know me.
you know me.
you're sticking with me through thick and thin.
I'm with you.


"dress us up in your righteousness
bring us in with a ring and kiss
when you walk into the room you know I can't resist
every bottle of perfume always ends up on the floor in a mess

you make us sparkle and you make us shine
like the stars who sing on your chorus line
where space and time will hamonize
where deep meets deep
like the ocean meets the sky.

the sun and the moon
there coming out of their graves just for you
the dead man and the cynical too
they're coming out of they're grave and it's just for you

'cause the love of God is stronger
the love of God is stronger
the love of God is stronger
than the power of death.

dress us up in the blood of a son
who opened up his veins so that we could overcome
where hell and the grave and the power of his love
after three dark days he'll show us how it's done
and he still does. " -John Mark McMillan ""dress us up""

"did the electic slide with some boy you loved who never thought of you"

If you click on the reflection ones to make them larger you can see stars. :)

honest hearted ramblings.

I've been writing alot recently. songs just come out. They used to be like 90% straight up worship songs, but I'm starting to just let my straight up feelings towards people come out in what I write (it's not as enjoyable. honestly). Honestly, i think I need a break from writing & listening to John Mark McMillan. Because after I listen to him it's like my voice has been saturated old mumbling scratchy summer days and I do not like it at all. It's not me.
I'm thinking my priorities and desires for writing music, to be brutaly honest, are a little messed up. But I am not perfect so it's expected that I'm not perfect. (no typo there):)
I'm starting to realize that I will never be perfect enough to impress God at all, I'm like a little kid and super hero tricks never make him love me more. I strive to give him some good reason to make him love me. My own ability. My own maturity. My own desire or zeal. What other people think of me. (oh this rageing battle!!)

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing it is the gift of God. Not the result of works that no man may boast."
-Ephesians 2:8&9

WOAH!...!
IT WAS NOT MY OWN DOING AT ALL. It is a *gift.

I wanna shake off this old slugishness and be alive and who I was made to be.
I am learning to get before God in the secret place and stop, everytime i get before him, telling him what a foolish mess I am and how badly I need to get my act 100% together so THEN i can come before Him and be with him and learn from him. I'm never going to be a 100% perfect for him. I cannot save myself. I cannot fix myself up in any way to make myself worthy. Only he can make me clean. Sometimes when I feel him drawing me I don't even want to be with him, "No! I can't come before you! I am a mess!"
He is my father.
I am loved. everlastingly. No beging and no ending. Your love simply was forever.
And it's good! You paid all my debts!! :)

siiiiigh! That was good to get out! :)