honest hearted ramblings.

I've been writing alot recently. songs just come out. They used to be like 90% straight up worship songs, but I'm starting to just let my straight up feelings towards people come out in what I write (it's not as enjoyable. honestly). Honestly, i think I need a break from writing & listening to John Mark McMillan. Because after I listen to him it's like my voice has been saturated old mumbling scratchy summer days and I do not like it at all. It's not me.
I'm thinking my priorities and desires for writing music, to be brutaly honest, are a little messed up. But I am not perfect so it's expected that I'm not perfect. (no typo there):)
I'm starting to realize that I will never be perfect enough to impress God at all, I'm like a little kid and super hero tricks never make him love me more. I strive to give him some good reason to make him love me. My own ability. My own maturity. My own desire or zeal. What other people think of me. (oh this rageing battle!!)

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing it is the gift of God. Not the result of works that no man may boast."
-Ephesians 2:8&9

WOAH!...!
IT WAS NOT MY OWN DOING AT ALL. It is a *gift.

I wanna shake off this old slugishness and be alive and who I was made to be.
I am learning to get before God in the secret place and stop, everytime i get before him, telling him what a foolish mess I am and how badly I need to get my act 100% together so THEN i can come before Him and be with him and learn from him. I'm never going to be a 100% perfect for him. I cannot save myself. I cannot fix myself up in any way to make myself worthy. Only he can make me clean. Sometimes when I feel him drawing me I don't even want to be with him, "No! I can't come before you! I am a mess!"
He is my father.
I am loved. everlastingly. No beging and no ending. Your love simply was forever.
And it's good! You paid all my debts!! :)

siiiiigh! That was good to get out! :)

beanies.

Joseph Brockman at 10:54pm December 25
I don't know you're talking about, but you guys really do look alike

and this picture is absolutely darling.

Ashley Smith at 11:40pm December 25
ha-well i dont see it-but thanks-that hat is my new best friend.

Joseph Brockman at 11:46pm December 25
man everyone's wearing those suckers now
what are they even called?

Jasmine Stoltzfus at 10:52am December 26
beanies. :)

Joseph Brockman at 11:14am December 26
but it's a certain variety of beanie, isn't it? these loosely knitted, fluffy beanies.

Jasmine Stoltzfus at 4:09pm December 26
oh those?
They're called loosely knitted fluffy beanies.

Joseph Brockman at 10:28pm December 26
oh! thanks jasmine! that's been bugging me for a while

Jasmine Stoltzfus at 8:41am December 27
good to know, riiiiight?

Ashley Smith at 6:11pm December 27
im glad you two are having such a fun time with this photo and all it entails ;-)

ridiculously wonderful red jacket

woooo...

you are my peace.

Soon the day will come when I will hear the doorbell ring and some scruffy man will hand me a package, as he walks back to his brown UPS truck I will burst into smiles for my CAMERA LENS IS HERE!!

...but that day was not yesterday, or the day before. it's pretty much been a whole month or more. arg.

LHOP:
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My parents and taylor&I split up. They went one way in the woods and we went another. It took lots of effort for me to be quiet when he climbed out on those rotting trees over freezeing water. I'm not being ridiculous in letting him make his own decisions in those things after I warn him. I'm not his mother & plus: he's taller than me. I like to lead and it is hard for me to not tell him what to do sometimes. because sometimes I just need to let him go...
It was a wonderful weekend. I love the monastary. commuinity living, it's smell, evensong, morningsong, salad, candles, leaves, lots of halls and rooms, and IHOP feed.
On Friday night from 9:30pmish-12:00am I found a quiet little room with big windows looking out on swirling leaves, trees, and yellow lights and played my guitar&worshiped. it was one of my favorite moments.
I have eaten over a dozen pieces of sushi in the last couple of days. no lie. vegtable sushi is so yummy.



"wow. I have REALLY enjoyed this conversation about bugs. I'M SERIOUS."
-Joseph Barackaman.

you, you are my peace.

some more writin's :)

V1
your words trip me up
they bind me and they snare
they catch me unprepared
so why do i even dare-
speak

V2
your words scatter on the floor in front of me
and you gather them up haistily
with honest bursts of apologies
you stuff them in your pockets like no one sees
but I...do

bridge
I've been thinkin' you're the kinda man
who could watse his life on drugs and war
I've been thinkin' you're the type
who finds it easy to ignore
those who can't fight for themselves anymore
but you proved me wrong

Chorus
you can keep looking
you can keep looking
you can search the whole house out
but you won't find the thing you've been talking about
with wide eyes.

tag
and oh, there is hope
there is hope
and there is love
and there is peace. for your soul.

anyway!..:]
I'm going to the monastary/LHOP for an oklahoma couple of days this week so i might not be able to come to the crane's christmas party :(
The teaching at crossfire last Saturday was amazing!
: "if you keep focousing on your own preformance as a Christian you will not get any better.
serving from a willing heart because you love Him is BEAUTIFUL.
serving from oblagation is..well...disgusting. "

-complements of jonathan zook :]

I find that when I tell the Lord the things that I am grateful for I become more grateful & thankful & maybe a little more humble.

Oh, here is something I've been writing about a certian two people I know...:)

"I have no money
and you have no money
but let's just get married!
...and live in a shack!"

photobooth

This weekend was lovely. On Sunday I went iceskating with lots of friendies & had my first photobooth experience. It was wonderful & worth three crinkled up dollars.
Last night I went to the Overmyer's Christmas party and met old HSPers/friends. One released an album. I never have been able to say goodbye to Cherish & I think I need to. Even if it's after she graduates. I want to.
Other people that I never wanted to say goodbye to have been on my mind recently. I feel like there are things that need to be said that haven't. So my heart has a little unrest in those areas. Things I want to change. Things I want to change...

"When I thought, "my foot slips," your steadfast love held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul." -Psalm 94:18

ahhhhhh....

"don't let your heart get ahead of you."

I want my life to be a sweetness poured out. I want to be pleasing. The words of my mouth & meditations of my heart.


(Mark Mathis)
VERSE 1
Well, what happened this morning is I overslept
and I missed your kiss as I lay in bed
feeling lonely.
Sometimes I wish I was a persian cat
and I could lay curled up inside your lap,
listening to hear you breath...

CHORUS
oh, your eyes are my place to hide
when the world is closing in- on me.
You were right when you said that I would be needing you,
if I only knew how much.

VERSE 2
Well it was me and it was you
in the photobooth
Just to get away from the crowd that day
and I still hold that picture of you

That is my favorite.

the weekend*

Bethany & I


card games*

Say & I

our feet :)



I'm pretty sure all the pictures were taken by lydia Crumrine. :) enjoy.
& This is what happened when airy & I played scrabble on saturday night.

natedmdey means...?

Beautiful

**A big long drink of normal conversation
& a strech to touch your eyes
as you fingers wrap around this old cracked glass
and I cring at the future and deny the past
there are holes in your gloves
as you sip my processing down
like a drug

& i am inclined to let you be inclined to this
'cause i've strugged though your fog and mist so long
that i just wanna give in to your kiss.

oh, you love me and it hurts
'cause you love me outside of words
and you grind me down
like powder into the ground
and it hurts,
and it hurts,
and it hurts,
you're outside of words.
I will press
as i learn
as i learn
to love you outside of words*


ah, i love to write. :)

thoughts*

"you love me enough to hurt me,
you love me enought to chase me"

*I am out in a desperate quest to save my own life, not willing to lose it.
*Giving your life to the Lord is not something you do once, but everyday.
*There is joy in the realization that I'm not meant to live for myself. joy!

this is gooood. :)

mmmm.

pretty much it.

:)

little girls with pigtails.

Love songs keep coming out of me & I don't know where from.

I really have not gotten the hang of my nikon. I've become aware of the fact that I can still take better pictures with my four megapixille point&shoot.







That is my (new) ukulele. Nat & I made a wonderful barter and now it is mine. I am very happy with it. I love insturments. I am thinking about getting a djembe (um...for Christmas :)
Somehow Bethany & Joe have become the best c.d. makers I know of.

The Ascent was this weekend & it was amazing!! I LOVE hour long rides in a full fifteen-passenger van! I came back having this immense peace and fullness. I felt like it was a time to just sit before the Lord and enjoy Him. He enjoys it.
There was one moment during one of the two-hour Brandon Willet worship sessions when I saw this little five-year-old-looking girl with brown pig-tails and a tiny little back pack. She was waving a little silver banner around and she reminded me of me & who I want to be. I want to trust like a child. I want to know my Father. Anyways, enjoying the fluttering of her beautiful little banner she ran in one big circle around the entire room with a huge grin on her face. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life.
I want to be like that. honest before him. not being ditracted. worshiping him WHOLEHEARTEDLY. ah!

I have a hope and a future. WAHOO!!!
:)

& I will leave you with this...

"lights that flicker, like the hope in the hearts of the bitter
you and I both know that it's only a wisper
but it gives me chills like a scream in the night
or your cheap bought thrills that creep in and squeeze your will tight.
I think we both know the way it goes
I think we've both seen the way that it goes
when you let it."

I have been listening to Jon Foreman for the past three hours. mmm.

Amy Winehouse & Photography

I was watching interviews of John Mark McMillan & that is how I found this. :)

www.Amywinehouse.com
watch the video at the bottom right.
I don't know why i love it, but it do.

yep. & the ascent is tonight, i'm super excited. And maybe Natalie will finally give me her ukulele. I'm thinking about buying a djembe and harmonica too. :)

It was so foggy and amazing this morning. mmm.
I need to go do geometry. goodbye you.

Sunglasses&boots

http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?itemdescription=true&itemCount=10&startValue=11&selectedProductColor=&sortby=&id=14680755&parentid=W_ACC_SUNGLASSES&sortProperties=+product.marketingPriority,-product.startDate&navCount=21&navAction=poppushpush&color=



Somehow I just know you want to buy these sunglasses for me. :)
(in navy blue)

p.s. they're $7

"oh, you are good and you do more than I ever could- ask you for, all your ways are just and true, every thing you do is in love "

I was writing today :)

It wouldn't let me remove this picture from my blog, so enjoy. pretty amazing, huh?

How interesting and exciting is this blog post? Let me tell you, it's ridiculous. :))

-jasminemarie

The problem with michael soto and canoes

Mmmm. John Mark McMillan music. :)
All of his songs are so well put together, it seems, he's worked hard at perfecting his trade.
I love how his music is so definite, it is really him and not very much of anyone else.
& It's frustrating when I listen to a c.d and I can't tell the songs apart because it all one blur of electric guitars and rhymes. You know what I mean?

So, Laci lea is coming home soon. I am excited...yes, I am!

I let my heart worry so much, I want to be quiet. I want to rest & to know that God's okay with me. What he really thinks of me, I am blind.

(p.s. I really desire to be more tender & gentle, really.)

Number one.
He touches my heart in ways that no one else knows how.

I'm not sure what it is with me and blogs, but I really like to talk about Jesus!

I wrote something I really liked the other day. It has been hard for me to write recently.
Sarah Atwood needs to write more songs, because I love them.

So, I'm thinking for my birthday (January- but I could have it some other, warmer, month) I want to have tons of people over at night and have a fire in my backyard and roast things & have guitars, canoes, talking & games. I think it would be amazing to go canoeing in the dark- though I am afraid of what michael soto would do in the dark with a canoe. ;) I don't want people ramming into each other in the dark when the water is freezing! That would actually be pretty horrible...
All this to say: i want your ideas!
(p.s. it is my sixteenth, it needs to be special!)

jasminemarie

Jackets from France.

So, i think my $300 lens is broken. yippie.
I was with Sarah & I pretty much dropped it from three whole inches off the ground, who knew? but I still took this wonderful picture today. :)

You know how I am usually happy? Well, i am not happy right now.
heh, i think that Lord is trying to teach me to trust him not just in my heart with seasons but with this kinda stuff. it hurts.

I am SO thankful that the camera itself is not broken though.


-but enough of that.


I had several good conversations today. Yes, they made my heart smile.
& Melody is amazing.




"Cool jackets from France are attractive"
-s.a.

# one: Life, Counselors, Deep Desires, and Photography.

This week parents have been hosting a conference- at the beach.

My dad, as you probably know, is a Transformational Leadership Life Coach. Ha. Yes.
It's kinda like a Christian Counselor, except not really (He's also a writer) but anyway...

So I went all day yesterday (8:00am-10:30pm). It was crazy being in this beach house with thirty 'counselors'. They are really good at having intense conversations-which you might think is creepy, but I actually kinda like it. :)

My favorite aunt and her husband were there so it was jolly good getting to know them better:)

There was this one exercize about deep desires and after digging deeply, I realized that I deeply, strongly, want to know the heart and emotions of God and I want to lead worship that invites people to seek him out. I want to make music that ushers in his presence. That accepts his invitation to come and meet with him, be with him, i want that. I really want to lead worship, and I never have know exactly why, but I think that is one of the reasons. :)

Plus once you really know what God thinks of you-the truth-, it sets you free. I wanna be free.

It was cold.

& blah to the picture below.

favorite. yippie!