for sarr

self portraits turn out bigger on this blog?

new blog

hello all.
i moved:

http://redbicycle.wordpress.com/

:) it's a work in progress.

the way i assume things should be

now playing:
hypnotized- ani difranco (it's alright...)


Recently i've realized a lot of things that i assume.
i assume that if i spend good time with God, i will feel him. If i don't, then i think nothing happened in that time.
i believe that if i feel bad, then my relationship with God must be messed up. Neither of which are true.
P.s. just because the first song on this cd is awesome, i expect the rest to be.
only sometimes true.

Will i still seek God? if i don't feel him? will i seek him for him, and not just the feeling? Will i be with him, not just because i want to feel good? Although, he does make me feel better. He is my source of joy.

but this is frustrating. it is.

frustrating- causing internal sad upsetness

that is the Webster definition. i promise.

Whether i feel horrible or delighted, God is the same. And still close to me, still right next to me. My relationship with God should not be governed by my emotions.


now playing:
The Big Guns
Jenny Lewis with the Watson Twins (eh.)


Now that i am giving myself more permission to be honest about being hurt, i am realizing how much little things can nick me. I could take that the other way too, and dwell on how grateful i am to be enjoyed and love by so many people.

Draw near to Me, and I will draw near to you. -James 4:8
This is true with God, but for some reason i expect this to be true of all the people around me. Sadly, it's not. I don't think friendships, with God or people, can be made simply by the effort of one. It must be a joint effort and a joint pursuit. Maybe i need to back down, and stop chasing some people in my life so hard. Maybe i should give
them a break? ah ha.

now:
Daughters
John Mayer

Jack Joseph Puig! What an awesome name!!

God has been so good to me.
my eyes have been opening to
how he set me up to be where i am.
how he saved me.
how he's changed me.
it's easier to see
now.
i am thankful.

and i congratulate you for reading all of this.

i would like to turn my house upside down and have a carpeted ceiling and a fragile floor.

there are highways in my head
a series of routes and avenues
paths that start from all directions
but eventually lead towards you.

i'm thinking
this is not a season of writing from me. i can try hard. i try at 3am, i try when i pick up my guitar. Recently, it's just not the same. I miss it. Partly, because it is totally an emotional outlet. When i am frustrated, one of the first things i do is to attempt expressing it that way. Now i sort of can't hide myself in being a nice needy mess of emotions. I tend to come my guitar and paper first when i hurt, instead of Jesus. I'm not saying that channeling your emotions into something written is wrong; I'm saying bring them to God as well.

Never Bloom Again- The Perishers
ultra sad, but good.

"Wasn't the moon full last night?"-jasmine
"The moon was really full!"-eric
"Was it an extrrraa full moon then?"-jasmine

I had a wonderful time last night. For the majority of the summer i've been thinking that when i get my license, then the really awesome friend days will start pouring. I'm starting to realize that they're actually also happening right now. Eric, Josiah and I taped a multitue of photographs on Eric's wall with Jessica instructing us. It's simple things like that, I love.

prick, nick, poke, & cringe.

I am so darn sensitive; i'm still figuring out whether to embrace it or be more logical and reasonable. As i'm realizing this, i'm comfronting others more often when i'm am seriously hurt by something instead of trying to shake it off. i just don't want to be selfish about it in the way i deal with it and others. God makes people like this. Also, i've just become more sensitive to Him, and what other people do and say.He's so sweet on me and loves perfectly.

oh, oh, oh,

I think that akward scilences would never be akward if you always knew the other person didn't mind. i don't mind; i'm just worried about the other person minding.