honest hearted ramblings.

I've been writing alot recently. songs just come out. They used to be like 90% straight up worship songs, but I'm starting to just let my straight up feelings towards people come out in what I write (it's not as enjoyable. honestly). Honestly, i think I need a break from writing & listening to John Mark McMillan. Because after I listen to him it's like my voice has been saturated old mumbling scratchy summer days and I do not like it at all. It's not me.
I'm thinking my priorities and desires for writing music, to be brutaly honest, are a little messed up. But I am not perfect so it's expected that I'm not perfect. (no typo there):)
I'm starting to realize that I will never be perfect enough to impress God at all, I'm like a little kid and super hero tricks never make him love me more. I strive to give him some good reason to make him love me. My own ability. My own maturity. My own desire or zeal. What other people think of me. (oh this rageing battle!!)

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing it is the gift of God. Not the result of works that no man may boast."
-Ephesians 2:8&9

WOAH!...!
IT WAS NOT MY OWN DOING AT ALL. It is a *gift.

I wanna shake off this old slugishness and be alive and who I was made to be.
I am learning to get before God in the secret place and stop, everytime i get before him, telling him what a foolish mess I am and how badly I need to get my act 100% together so THEN i can come before Him and be with him and learn from him. I'm never going to be a 100% perfect for him. I cannot save myself. I cannot fix myself up in any way to make myself worthy. Only he can make me clean. Sometimes when I feel him drawing me I don't even want to be with him, "No! I can't come before you! I am a mess!"
He is my father.
I am loved. everlastingly. No beging and no ending. Your love simply was forever.
And it's good! You paid all my debts!! :)

siiiiigh! That was good to get out! :)