the way i assume things should be

now playing:
hypnotized- ani difranco (it's alright...)


Recently i've realized a lot of things that i assume.
i assume that if i spend good time with God, i will feel him. If i don't, then i think nothing happened in that time.
i believe that if i feel bad, then my relationship with God must be messed up. Neither of which are true.
P.s. just because the first song on this cd is awesome, i expect the rest to be.
only sometimes true.

Will i still seek God? if i don't feel him? will i seek him for him, and not just the feeling? Will i be with him, not just because i want to feel good? Although, he does make me feel better. He is my source of joy.

but this is frustrating. it is.

frustrating- causing internal sad upsetness

that is the Webster definition. i promise.

Whether i feel horrible or delighted, God is the same. And still close to me, still right next to me. My relationship with God should not be governed by my emotions.


now playing:
The Big Guns
Jenny Lewis with the Watson Twins (eh.)


Now that i am giving myself more permission to be honest about being hurt, i am realizing how much little things can nick me. I could take that the other way too, and dwell on how grateful i am to be enjoyed and love by so many people.

Draw near to Me, and I will draw near to you. -James 4:8
This is true with God, but for some reason i expect this to be true of all the people around me. Sadly, it's not. I don't think friendships, with God or people, can be made simply by the effort of one. It must be a joint effort and a joint pursuit. Maybe i need to back down, and stop chasing some people in my life so hard. Maybe i should give
them a break? ah ha.

now:
Daughters
John Mayer

Jack Joseph Puig! What an awesome name!!

God has been so good to me.
my eyes have been opening to
how he set me up to be where i am.
how he saved me.
how he's changed me.
it's easier to see
now.
i am thankful.

and i congratulate you for reading all of this.

Overwelmed= it pushes me to press closer to his chest.

"You know me
i want to know you too
and in your eyes
be found beautiful.

and i
have tried
all night
to make you want me
to make me worth your time

but- you already love me
you already do
you already want me
it's already true."

I am at this point were everything is overwelming and i just can't handle it. It's so beautiful, it pushes me to turn my gaze to the Lord, my provider and helper, my sustainer. I am in this ridiculous war to earn Jesus, to earn grace, to prove to him i'm worth it, something good, something impressive. To lean on my own ability and not his.

ha.

It doesn't work. I need him. I need him. Jesus is my righteousness.

Overwelmed pushes me to press closer to his chest.
Overwelmed pushes me to press closer to his chest.

So really, it's a gift. All these aches and pains are what i asked for. To know you, to be closer, to be everything you dreamed me up to be.

blog blog. write write.

THE OCEAN AND THE TIDE
ARE MAKING MUSIC IN THE NIGHT
AND IT'S A BATTLE I CAN FIGHT
BUT NEVER WIN
ALONE, WAGING WAR AGANIST MY SIN.
i need.

Sometimes i want to just sit around with alot of tattooed periced-up muscian kids who wear plaid and tie dye, make art and music and get to know Jesus better with them (aka- ZHOP goers!). Those are the kinda people who catch my eye at the mall. except that the ones at the mall are probably on drugs and whatnot...but anyhow, the creativity can be so beautiful.

I like Shane&Shane.
Waging War: 41 plays
all by me. :)

Teeth In The Grass

I'm not as afriad as i used to me. I am reminded of the Lord's constant and consistant- right here with me. He is my protector. BREATHE. That is so wonderful. My protector. I realize i haven't been trusting him as much recently, worrying and what not. Worry moves in like a disease. All I have to do is keep my eyes on you, Jesus, all i have to do.
Well, i'm going to sit down with some tea or something yummy and figure out what to do for this worship set on Saturday. I have some idea. I'm not that afraid of how the set will go, just mostly afraid that the whole retreat won't be so fun for certain people that i kinda sorta made come. it'll be amazing anyway i think.
I love the community. Community meals. Community quiet. Community loud. Community laughter. I love the nights i've spent there, laughing until two in the morning with interns and friends and candles. oh-so-lovely.
I am an effortless blogger. mmm. so far at least.

"darlin' defied,
i should have lied
when i still had the chance
'cause you know me far too well for that now.

darlin' decide
if you wanna waste your life
because if you do
i wanna waste mine with you."
-2/24/09
(not how i feel now-

oh. annnnnnnddddd-
"Your future looks uncertain and feels flimsy- even precarious. That is how is should be." -Sarah Young

(as in- TRUST.) :)

a paintin' & song

"you said to me, "honey you're still driftin'
inbetween
the lines
of what you say and what you mean"
you know that I
am starting to agree.

you said,
honey wake up to my love
get out of bed
'cause the sun is comin' up

turn your head to mine
look me in the eyes
everything will turn out fine
i know."

would you wake up honey,
would you wake up honey,
would you wake up honey, would you wake up honey
to my love."

Perpendicular and Parallel (People)

The past couple of weeks have been super duper full of newness, in situations especially, and some confusion. Some frustration. Peace. Joy.
I feel like I'm in a place where if I tried to retrace my steps I would find no bridge. I just can't go back to the way things were. But I can pull away if I get the word. I feel like I'm doing what God wants me to do, though not well. Far from perfectly. It's so good to realize that. So good. I am not perfect. But I want to do things His way.
And since I feel like I'm actually waging war, pressing, pushing, fighting, I think that in these kinda situations and places-growth. I am trying to be careful, to gaurd my heart. I had a really good conversation about that a couple days ago. I need to be aware of what is going on in my own heart. Be aware of where I am leaning, be aware of hinderances, be aware of distractions, i believe this. I want a pure heart. And clean hands, lips. I want to be innocent, but I want to be wise. I don't wanna to just give into things because it's more comfortable than fighting.
I am the Lord's. No matter where I go, I am the Lord's. No matter the mistakes, I am His. I choose Him. I want to be sealed. The end. It is decided. I am His, He is mine, and that settles it. Forever. Completely.

Now, time for a silly song:

"I am a street, you are a street
we're parallel lines- we never meet,
just sit side by side, wondering why.
I think I know..."

...The love of God is stronger than the power of death!

I get to spend all of my life & FOREVER WITH YOU! WOOHOO!!! IT'S GOOD. :)

You know that word that's inbetween concur and concord grapes? I don't know how to spell it. It's meaning is similar to ruined. Or the oppisite of win.

Well, trying to fight all these battles alone doesn't work one bit and I realize how much I need Him. I want to waste my life on Him & I'm excited about it. I NEED HIM SO MUCH.

I heard this wonderfulness the other day (heather bethune):

“I…have resolved to make the love of God the end of all my actions. I have been well satisfied with this single motive. I am pleased when I can take a straw from the ground simply for the love of God, seeking Him and nothing else – not even seeking His gifts.” – Brother Lawrence, Practicing His Presence.

" Even if we don’t love what we do, we love who we are doing it for."

say whaaat??


School is hard. hard like moving boulders. I think that God is DETERMINED(don't get this confused with 'madly fighting') to get me closer and closer to a place of peace in who I am & I want to perservere for him, give him every ounce of everything I've got and let him melt me. Yeah, who I am in Him, it's not what I am labled at, pushed to be, told to become ect. He likes me. He likes me. He loves me!
I don't want to be a gross mess of satisfaction of the flesh. (oh! rhyming skills!:)
It's just not easy- not living for man. I wanna be secure where I am not. I wanna be full where I am not.
And all of this has made become more stiff, a little more sturdy. and I'm starting to say things like "cha, aye you, and...as mess!"
& I WANT TO BE ROOTED AND GROUNDED IN LOVE!
I'm realizing the depression there that people feel is not mine. I don't need to take it. It's in the air, there is a strong sent of hopelessness, deadness.

you know me.
you know me.
you're sticking with me through thick and thin.
I'm with you.


"dress us up in your righteousness
bring us in with a ring and kiss
when you walk into the room you know I can't resist
every bottle of perfume always ends up on the floor in a mess

you make us sparkle and you make us shine
like the stars who sing on your chorus line
where space and time will hamonize
where deep meets deep
like the ocean meets the sky.

the sun and the moon
there coming out of their graves just for you
the dead man and the cynical too
they're coming out of they're grave and it's just for you

'cause the love of God is stronger
the love of God is stronger
the love of God is stronger
than the power of death.

dress us up in the blood of a son
who opened up his veins so that we could overcome
where hell and the grave and the power of his love
after three dark days he'll show us how it's done
and he still does. " -John Mark McMillan ""dress us up""

you are my peace.

Soon the day will come when I will hear the doorbell ring and some scruffy man will hand me a package, as he walks back to his brown UPS truck I will burst into smiles for my CAMERA LENS IS HERE!!

...but that day was not yesterday, or the day before. it's pretty much been a whole month or more. arg.

LHOP:
border="0" alt=""id="







My parents and taylor&I split up. They went one way in the woods and we went another. It took lots of effort for me to be quiet when he climbed out on those rotting trees over freezeing water. I'm not being ridiculous in letting him make his own decisions in those things after I warn him. I'm not his mother & plus: he's taller than me. I like to lead and it is hard for me to not tell him what to do sometimes. because sometimes I just need to let him go...
It was a wonderful weekend. I love the monastary. commuinity living, it's smell, evensong, morningsong, salad, candles, leaves, lots of halls and rooms, and IHOP feed.
On Friday night from 9:30pmish-12:00am I found a quiet little room with big windows looking out on swirling leaves, trees, and yellow lights and played my guitar&worshiped. it was one of my favorite moments.
I have eaten over a dozen pieces of sushi in the last couple of days. no lie. vegtable sushi is so yummy.



"wow. I have REALLY enjoyed this conversation about bugs. I'M SERIOUS."
-Joseph Barackaman.

you, you are my peace.

some more writin's :)

V1
your words trip me up
they bind me and they snare
they catch me unprepared
so why do i even dare-
speak

V2
your words scatter on the floor in front of me
and you gather them up haistily
with honest bursts of apologies
you stuff them in your pockets like no one sees
but I...do

bridge
I've been thinkin' you're the kinda man
who could watse his life on drugs and war
I've been thinkin' you're the type
who finds it easy to ignore
those who can't fight for themselves anymore
but you proved me wrong

Chorus
you can keep looking
you can keep looking
you can search the whole house out
but you won't find the thing you've been talking about
with wide eyes.

tag
and oh, there is hope
there is hope
and there is love
and there is peace. for your soul.

anyway!..:]
I'm going to the monastary/LHOP for an oklahoma couple of days this week so i might not be able to come to the crane's christmas party :(
The teaching at crossfire last Saturday was amazing!
: "if you keep focousing on your own preformance as a Christian you will not get any better.
serving from a willing heart because you love Him is BEAUTIFUL.
serving from oblagation is..well...disgusting. "

-complements of jonathan zook :]

I find that when I tell the Lord the things that I am grateful for I become more grateful & thankful & maybe a little more humble.

Oh, here is something I've been writing about a certian two people I know...:)

"I have no money
and you have no money
but let's just get married!
...and live in a shack!"