self portraits turn out bigger on this blog?

new blog

hello all.
i moved:

http://redbicycle.wordpress.com/

:) it's a work in progress.

the way i assume things should be

now playing:
hypnotized- ani difranco (it's alright...)


Recently i've realized a lot of things that i assume.
i assume that if i spend good time with God, i will feel him. If i don't, then i think nothing happened in that time.
i believe that if i feel bad, then my relationship with God must be messed up. Neither of which are true.
P.s. just because the first song on this cd is awesome, i expect the rest to be.
only sometimes true.

Will i still seek God? if i don't feel him? will i seek him for him, and not just the feeling? Will i be with him, not just because i want to feel good? Although, he does make me feel better. He is my source of joy.

but this is frustrating. it is.

frustrating- causing internal sad upsetness

that is the Webster definition. i promise.

Whether i feel horrible or delighted, God is the same. And still close to me, still right next to me. My relationship with God should not be governed by my emotions.


now playing:
The Big Guns
Jenny Lewis with the Watson Twins (eh.)


Now that i am giving myself more permission to be honest about being hurt, i am realizing how much little things can nick me. I could take that the other way too, and dwell on how grateful i am to be enjoyed and love by so many people.

Draw near to Me, and I will draw near to you. -James 4:8
This is true with God, but for some reason i expect this to be true of all the people around me. Sadly, it's not. I don't think friendships, with God or people, can be made simply by the effort of one. It must be a joint effort and a joint pursuit. Maybe i need to back down, and stop chasing some people in my life so hard. Maybe i should give
them a break? ah ha.

now:
Daughters
John Mayer

Jack Joseph Puig! What an awesome name!!

God has been so good to me.
my eyes have been opening to
how he set me up to be where i am.
how he saved me.
how he's changed me.
it's easier to see
now.
i am thankful.

and i congratulate you for reading all of this.

i would like to turn my house upside down and have a carpeted ceiling and a fragile floor.

there are highways in my head
a series of routes and avenues
paths that start from all directions
but eventually lead towards you.

i'm thinking
this is not a season of writing from me. i can try hard. i try at 3am, i try when i pick up my guitar. Recently, it's just not the same. I miss it. Partly, because it is totally an emotional outlet. When i am frustrated, one of the first things i do is to attempt expressing it that way. Now i sort of can't hide myself in being a nice needy mess of emotions. I tend to come my guitar and paper first when i hurt, instead of Jesus. I'm not saying that channeling your emotions into something written is wrong; I'm saying bring them to God as well.

Never Bloom Again- The Perishers
ultra sad, but good.

"Wasn't the moon full last night?"-jasmine
"The moon was really full!"-eric
"Was it an extrrraa full moon then?"-jasmine

I had a wonderful time last night. For the majority of the summer i've been thinking that when i get my license, then the really awesome friend days will start pouring. I'm starting to realize that they're actually also happening right now. Eric, Josiah and I taped a multitue of photographs on Eric's wall with Jessica instructing us. It's simple things like that, I love.

prick, nick, poke, & cringe.

I am so darn sensitive; i'm still figuring out whether to embrace it or be more logical and reasonable. As i'm realizing this, i'm comfronting others more often when i'm am seriously hurt by something instead of trying to shake it off. i just don't want to be selfish about it in the way i deal with it and others. God makes people like this. Also, i've just become more sensitive to Him, and what other people do and say.He's so sweet on me and loves perfectly.

oh, oh, oh,

I think that akward scilences would never be akward if you always knew the other person didn't mind. i don't mind; i'm just worried about the other person minding.

I took the elevator instead of the stairs. It was easy.

Here i am, my backspace key is not cooperating, so i have to repeatedly punch it in the face with my finger. i'm going to pray over it; i'm not joking.
i dont' think the key realizes that i really need him. there's is no way around it. he cannot give up on me like that. There is no replacement backspace key.
i think it's like that with people too...

anyhow.


i can never write very well when i'm just trying to write well.

because
Then the only emotion i'm pulling from to put into language is, "i want to write something pretty." Which actually isn't an emotion. at all. Therefore, i'm writing without any personal emotions involved so it just ends up being a bundle of fluffy pink cloud words with no roots. because clouds usually have roots, ya know?


not fluffy:
"i just fell down ten flights of stairs
with brusies on my knees and tangles in my hair
i didn't know you were this way, i swear, i just
didn't know." (i'm frusterated at God, because i feel hurt by Him)

"'cause i like to
think that i could hurt you
maybe even more than you could ever hurt me
and though that's not really what i want
i know if i wound you
then you will chase after me." (this is about an old friend. i wrote it while crying.)

"i love you so so much
i wanna run with you
'till my legs get weak
and my knees can't hold me up.
you are so sweet- it makes me sick
you are so good- is leaves me dazed
laughing on the pavement." (This is about Jesus. I love him)

fluffy:
i know when i'm just writing something to write something and it's not an actual part of me, doesn't have any of it in me. i'm not attached to it. i won't sing it over and over- or sometimes- even remember it. that's why i dont' have many examples.


it's not necessasarly 'bad'.
but i think writing from your heart is better.


"you've got rumors rolling off your tongue,
all your superstitions sweetly sung
the effort makes it effortless, Love
and i'm carving quesitons on the walls of your lungs."

well, i sort of know what i'm talking about in the above quotes but i'm not actually talking to anyone, about anyone, or about me, or out of an emotion. the words just sound really nice and sort of make sense. Which is fine; although, if it was more from my heart i think it could be better, not particually in the quality of words i use, but it would mean something real. to me, at least.



you really wanted to know all this, riiiight?
it's called processing.

heart

it's hard to wait.

it's hard to trust.

i want to be brutaly honest and open about everything but i also want to gaurd my heart fericely and steadily. My heart is safe inside of God.I was sitting on the couch at my neighbor's house yesterday morning. All alone, with no one to hear me at all, besides an old waddling spotted dog. so i talked and prayed out loud to God for awhile. I like that. i don't really know how to pray in my head yet. and this little phrase kept coming to mind, the realization that he never fails. He never fails. So i told him that for a while, just told him back what he was like which started nicking my emotions a little and tears welled up. I'm starting to realize he can't fail. He will not fail to have his way.
but there are other little things. it's hard to gaze on at the gap which separates the way other people do things and the way i am convicted or have been taught to. especailly when other ways seem more imediately pleasing.
I'm not sure why there are certian people my heart has clung to more than others. I miss being close in certian past seasons to laci so much it's painful at times. i don't know why i can't shake it off yet.
it's been easier to cry recently. which i sort of am happy about in a way; i feel like i'm spilling myself with out language, words. infront of my God. it's good.
He is so good to me, i mean, ridiculously good. so good i can't even believe it. and i'm not so grateful because i can't even wrap my mind around all i have to be grateful for. it's like. trying to imagine him loving you one hundred times more than you think. now try fifty. now try twenty. i can't even wrap my mind around two. that he would be twice as affectionate and loving towards me as anyone i've ever known. that he could love me perfectly. perfetly. perfetly. is ridiculous.
but wonderful.
he planted desire in my heart for him.


i sort of wish my heart could be an actual physical thing that i could hand completely to Jesus. Sometimes my heart feels like a bunch of five year olds in no accord running around in opposite directions.
He is sandpapering my heart down, forming me into who he dreamed i'd be. it's sweet. i believe him.

i am who God says i am instead of what i say and think i am.
think upon that.


"we need each other"

recently it's been hard to keep my mouth shut. i talk and talk. because i like to talk, i'm supposing.

well. that's what's up.

photoshoot with someone else's shoes.

ouchouchouch.

You Make Bad Days Better -Shane&Shane.
good one.

i like laying on the hard neatly cut blocks of red concrete and gazing at the overcast, rainy sky as birds swoop over me completely unaware of my presence. \

so, i cannot escape the will of God;
although, i like to think i can.

and worry myself about it.

40 blocks farther

a wishing well and a red bike

"You're my cave to hide in,
my cliff to climb."

-psalms 31:3

I am a samuel. set apart before i was born.

I am learning alot. of hard things. which are hard to learn. ah. hard things grow you and change you. and in awesome ways if you do it with God.

I will take myself, set myself before the Lord, set my mind upon the Lord and he will change me. I will drink in deeply of his love; i am the cavern that he fills; i am the gap that he fits into; i am a garden enclosed on all sides by Him. i want Him to align my will with His. Like parallel lines.

i have seen places in my heart were my focus has slipped and He wants to change that. AWESOME..

*don't push through things you don't feel comfortable with, or do feel conviction about. (i.e. movies, music)

woot. yes.


p.s. i want a red bike.

Roller Coasters

I feel like i am going to fall over in my chair...right now. exactly. this moment.

If you haven't ever before i recomend looking out for the little ways God shows his love to you. He knows you perfectly. There is nothing else he could know about you. Nothing is hidden. Nothing is secret. He does lots of sweet little things that fit like keys into the caverns of my heart. It's beautiful. Watch for them. He's totally wanting and trying to get your attention.

p.s. I rode a rollercoaster for the first time todayx5

eyes.

several things i recomend:

-The album Kingdom Within by The Collector, especially the songs: Dancin' Alone, Awakening, When Rocks Hum, and The Butterfly Collector.

-Reading the psalms in The Message.

-Leaning on Jesus in moments when you want to lean into other people to find affirmation or whatever it is.

-Not drinking vitamin water anymore (i've wasted too much money on finding one that actually tastes good). If it's yummy to you, then i am amazed.


So, i am called and allowed to be myself, the way God made me, and if other people don't accept me that way then i don't need to worry about changing myself (or be frusterated with them). I just need to let it go. After being healed from this, i feel such a big chunk of worry missing from my day. It's so nice. God will provide companions for me and i don't need to go off on a plight change myself in order to gain friend in that backwards way.

-wake up and worry, i just wake up and worry, about how i could do this better
wake up and worry, i just wake up and worry, about how i could love you better

'cause i'm still shaking like the lights across the water
as i'm fumbling the change others bought my little heart for
and it's true, there is not much left for You..
down crooked streets and winding halls, endless allys, handlaid walls
well, anything for you, anything will do

,









Your face is like the sun shining in the middle of the day, causing my heavily locked doors to fall into decay.

breakin'

Hello all!
several have recently commented on my lack of bloggage. I would like to notify you that a couple weeks i decided(felt that God was directing me to that. i don't understand him often, but i trust him) to take a month long break from this. So- that's what is up. I've got about a week and a half/two weeks left of that. So, don't worry; i'm not gone forever.

But I'll just say a little something here:

Trust God from the bottom of your heart
don't try to figure out everything on your own

listen for god's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go
He's the one who will keep you on track.
don't assume you know it allll.
run to God! run from evil!
Your body will glow with health
your very bones will vibrate with life.
Honor God with everything you own;
give him your first and best.


But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline;
don't sulk under his loving correction.
it's the child he loves that God corrects;
a father's delight is behind all this.






why yes, that is the bible. ;)
(proverbs3message.)

the best prom pictures i have ever seen.

echos, static, reverb, etc.

Oh, all the echos and the static
weave into the same fabric
that inhibits my view
-keeps me from you.

Oh, my mind does not travel in a straight line
stumbling, one half-step out of time
distraction is an easy thing to pursue.

and we both know i'm weak.
i don't wanna think
before i speak
but You are strong in me.

i do not know or understand the hearts of man.

I'm realizing how much it can hurt to be judged when someone doesn't know your heart. Instead of seeking to know what's up sometimes people just write you off as something you're not. It actually opens my eyes though, to how i probably do that too. Only Jesus can justly judge. So I probably shouldn't even try, just love with wisdom.

run, run, run.

i just need to learn
to stop telling you,
what you need to do.


READ THIS! :) http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/note.php?note_id=99338432626

waiting for sayray.

duodenum!!

Learning

((---You are jealous for me and want nothing put before You in my life. I submit my will. My weakness. My passions. To You. I don't want to put my desires before Yours. So much. My eyes- be on You. My heart- no idols. ))

Obey, looking at it as one step at a time. Otherwise, I am overwelmed.
I want to obey my parents, and my Jesus. I cry out for help.

I've gotten this picture in my head, of a millstone. God is grinding me. Not grinding me down into little powder thrown into the wind. But grinding me stronger. Situations that press me to trust & press closer to his chest. He is tender too, & kind.

T R U S T. i am realizing, "I'M NOT GOD! WOAH!" for real though, i keep pressing myself to come to resoloutions and decisions and just to figure everything out. The latter i can't do, the first two i don't need to do right now- in multiple situations. There is so much peace (at first i typed 'peach' ha!) in giving everything up to him and leaning on him, instead of my own understanding. My own understanding cannot hold me up.

Hey! I could get dreads and percings and dress artistic-like..but...my identity and security must befound in God, not that..not that at all.

"Instead, become beautiful doing something beautiful for God." -The Message. :)

"I love you LORD
and I lift my voice
to worship you
oh my soul, rejoice.

Take joy my king
in what you hear
may it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear."

-some wonderful writer.

ukulele songs at 3am that i won't want here when i wake up..

"you pluck the words right from my lips
and like the little gray stones that you skip
they all end up in tall glass jars
that line the shelves
that line the walls
of you heart.

on the heavily gaurded walls of your heart,
i saw too much of me in the dark

i painted you up like a house,
but you only left a tiny charcol mark
on me.

you begin at the end-
would you,
start at the start,
start at the start
for me.

hey, dear,
that's not the way it works out here
i have every right to avoid the fight
hey, dear,
that's not the way it works out here
i have every right to deny your eyes.

it's bright and clear
if you listen hard enough to hear.."

nonperks.

"all i have to do
is keep my eyes on you, Jesus." -Brandom Willett

I'm set to run againist your wind
as it presses againist my skin
you hold me up, you hold me up

no- it's not enough to fight You anymore. not anymore.

And I'm set to run aground again
as your waves break againist my skin
you pull me up, you pull me up

no- i don't want to fight You anymore. anymore.

Done.

I'm not sure why simple things exlode into such trendous big...explosions. for me. They trigger the let out of baggage i've been caring.
My patience is wax ing while my tolerence is wane ing.
My eyes are reajusting their focus back to where they should be and everything else dims so easily at times. When my thoughts flip back to the same old pages and i toss the same old ideas around in my head i'm reminded, i've already read those chapters and we're done. I've realized alot of things i wish i would've realized sooner before i acted. because today i'm ready to be done. i want to make music!

right now my curtians are reflecting on this computer sceen, it's quite an annoying thing.

I like plaid and v-necks and rings and complicated things. I'm ready to make friends with lots of artist people. I want to be surrounded by them for some reason, i feel most at home around those. sometimes. I want to go to fortmill.

OH MANNN. I feel God aligning my will with his- i want that. I don't mean, just his will in my life, i mean, his desires, love for those he loves...

plus.
he is risen indeed. WOOOOO.
today.

Likeness of Jesus- Jonathan David Helser
GOOD ONE.

Waging War- Shane & Shane- 46 plays.

Best Thing Ever

9th Grade


&now

Overwelmed= it pushes me to press closer to his chest.

"You know me
i want to know you too
and in your eyes
be found beautiful.

and i
have tried
all night
to make you want me
to make me worth your time

but- you already love me
you already do
you already want me
it's already true."

I am at this point were everything is overwelming and i just can't handle it. It's so beautiful, it pushes me to turn my gaze to the Lord, my provider and helper, my sustainer. I am in this ridiculous war to earn Jesus, to earn grace, to prove to him i'm worth it, something good, something impressive. To lean on my own ability and not his.

ha.

It doesn't work. I need him. I need him. Jesus is my righteousness.

Overwelmed pushes me to press closer to his chest.
Overwelmed pushes me to press closer to his chest.

So really, it's a gift. All these aches and pains are what i asked for. To know you, to be closer, to be everything you dreamed me up to be.

blog blog. write write.

THE OCEAN AND THE TIDE
ARE MAKING MUSIC IN THE NIGHT
AND IT'S A BATTLE I CAN FIGHT
BUT NEVER WIN
ALONE, WAGING WAR AGANIST MY SIN.
i need.

Sometimes i want to just sit around with alot of tattooed periced-up muscian kids who wear plaid and tie dye, make art and music and get to know Jesus better with them (aka- ZHOP goers!). Those are the kinda people who catch my eye at the mall. except that the ones at the mall are probably on drugs and whatnot...but anyhow, the creativity can be so beautiful.

I like Shane&Shane.
Waging War: 41 plays
all by me. :)

I just wanna make you move.

one.
two.


"you've got rumors rolling off your tongue
your superstitions sweetly sung
the effort is what made it effortless
and I'm carving questions
on the walls of your aching lungs."

I do not understand grace.
I decide it's not for me, sometimes,
i focus on simply being better for you,
i focus on my failures,
instead of you.

mmmmm.

well. recently-
i need Jesus.

how cool kids do.

I've heard sweetly sung superstitions.

Helllllo Roughhh Draffft.

I've heard
Love is blind and cannot see
the vastness of the gap between
your distress and my relief
or what you're saying as i think.

I've heard
Love is numb and cannot feel
believing what's been proven unreal
searching for what it cannot find
finding the unexistant in your eyes.

I've heard
Love is deaf and cannot hear
what's been stated loud and clear
it's not afraid to fight,
assumes it's in the right.

I've heard
Love is deaf, blind, and dumb
a child sneaking his father's rum
undoing all that has been done
to keep him safe.

I've heard
love is lust and
gave itself another name.

I've heard
perfect love-it casts out fear
it teaches you to trust
doesn't decay or rust
away by the end.

"The collision of your eyes and mine
send me reeling, seaching for a sign
that i just can not find."