oh, oh, oh,

I think that akward scilences would never be akward if you always knew the other person didn't mind. i don't mind; i'm just worried about the other person minding.

I took the elevator instead of the stairs. It was easy.

Here i am, my backspace key is not cooperating, so i have to repeatedly punch it in the face with my finger. i'm going to pray over it; i'm not joking.
i dont' think the key realizes that i really need him. there's is no way around it. he cannot give up on me like that. There is no replacement backspace key.
i think it's like that with people too...

anyhow.


i can never write very well when i'm just trying to write well.

because
Then the only emotion i'm pulling from to put into language is, "i want to write something pretty." Which actually isn't an emotion. at all. Therefore, i'm writing without any personal emotions involved so it just ends up being a bundle of fluffy pink cloud words with no roots. because clouds usually have roots, ya know?


not fluffy:
"i just fell down ten flights of stairs
with brusies on my knees and tangles in my hair
i didn't know you were this way, i swear, i just
didn't know." (i'm frusterated at God, because i feel hurt by Him)

"'cause i like to
think that i could hurt you
maybe even more than you could ever hurt me
and though that's not really what i want
i know if i wound you
then you will chase after me." (this is about an old friend. i wrote it while crying.)

"i love you so so much
i wanna run with you
'till my legs get weak
and my knees can't hold me up.
you are so sweet- it makes me sick
you are so good- is leaves me dazed
laughing on the pavement." (This is about Jesus. I love him)

fluffy:
i know when i'm just writing something to write something and it's not an actual part of me, doesn't have any of it in me. i'm not attached to it. i won't sing it over and over- or sometimes- even remember it. that's why i dont' have many examples.


it's not necessasarly 'bad'.
but i think writing from your heart is better.


"you've got rumors rolling off your tongue,
all your superstitions sweetly sung
the effort makes it effortless, Love
and i'm carving quesitons on the walls of your lungs."

well, i sort of know what i'm talking about in the above quotes but i'm not actually talking to anyone, about anyone, or about me, or out of an emotion. the words just sound really nice and sort of make sense. Which is fine; although, if it was more from my heart i think it could be better, not particually in the quality of words i use, but it would mean something real. to me, at least.



you really wanted to know all this, riiiight?
it's called processing.

heart

it's hard to wait.

it's hard to trust.

i want to be brutaly honest and open about everything but i also want to gaurd my heart fericely and steadily. My heart is safe inside of God.I was sitting on the couch at my neighbor's house yesterday morning. All alone, with no one to hear me at all, besides an old waddling spotted dog. so i talked and prayed out loud to God for awhile. I like that. i don't really know how to pray in my head yet. and this little phrase kept coming to mind, the realization that he never fails. He never fails. So i told him that for a while, just told him back what he was like which started nicking my emotions a little and tears welled up. I'm starting to realize he can't fail. He will not fail to have his way.
but there are other little things. it's hard to gaze on at the gap which separates the way other people do things and the way i am convicted or have been taught to. especailly when other ways seem more imediately pleasing.
I'm not sure why there are certian people my heart has clung to more than others. I miss being close in certian past seasons to laci so much it's painful at times. i don't know why i can't shake it off yet.
it's been easier to cry recently. which i sort of am happy about in a way; i feel like i'm spilling myself with out language, words. infront of my God. it's good.
He is so good to me, i mean, ridiculously good. so good i can't even believe it. and i'm not so grateful because i can't even wrap my mind around all i have to be grateful for. it's like. trying to imagine him loving you one hundred times more than you think. now try fifty. now try twenty. i can't even wrap my mind around two. that he would be twice as affectionate and loving towards me as anyone i've ever known. that he could love me perfectly. perfetly. perfetly. is ridiculous.
but wonderful.
he planted desire in my heart for him.


i sort of wish my heart could be an actual physical thing that i could hand completely to Jesus. Sometimes my heart feels like a bunch of five year olds in no accord running around in opposite directions.
He is sandpapering my heart down, forming me into who he dreamed i'd be. it's sweet. i believe him.

i am who God says i am instead of what i say and think i am.
think upon that.


"we need each other"

recently it's been hard to keep my mouth shut. i talk and talk. because i like to talk, i'm supposing.

well. that's what's up.

photoshoot with someone else's shoes.

ouchouchouch.

You Make Bad Days Better -Shane&Shane.
good one.

i like laying on the hard neatly cut blocks of red concrete and gazing at the overcast, rainy sky as birds swoop over me completely unaware of my presence. \

so, i cannot escape the will of God;
although, i like to think i can.

and worry myself about it.

40 blocks farther